Change: An amazing gift

"Nothing is so unchanging, so inevitable as change itself." -Marvin J. Ashton

 

"When we're through changing, we're through." -Bruce Barton

While there were many years where I would have rather started out perfect in my every pursuit, I now love and cherish the changes in my heart and mind that I experience. I love that moment when your eyes are opened and you realize that you were wrong. Why? Because when it comes, despite the fact that I often have to humble myself and apologize to others, I can see both worlds. And in seeing both perspectives, I am better prepared to help others. My vision is expanded.

That is not to say that we should not strive to be our best every day, but rather that we should not be afraid to move forward in life even if we are not guaranteed perfection right away. Sometimes the challenges we face are bigger than our prior experiences and our previous capacities, but as we struggle and persevere, our abilities are strengthened and our understanding is increased. We are able to not just survive, but flourish!

Over the last few years I had some experiences where I felt like others took a snapshot of me, a dynamic and constantly-changing woman. Have we not all made a similar error to some degree or another? I felt like they used this snapshot to judge my past, present, and future. It hurt. Perhaps they did not know me well enough to know my deep commitment to improvement and progression. Maybe they did not know how far I had come and how hard I had worked to achieve that snapshot that they critiqued.

Let's commit ourselves to refrain from doing this to others and instead to understand others in context: as a product of their past with great potential ahead. If others put us in a box and do not allow us to change, let's recognize it for what it is--a misjudgment--and continue progressing in our lives.

We can remember: "The time to make up your mind about someone is never." The same holds for ourselves. If you have something that you know you need to change, change it! That is what I am working toward in 2014, being my best me.

I love you all, friends and family. If I ever fail to give you the opportunity to change, please let me know. I believe in you and I know that through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, all things are possible.

Ways I changed in 2013:

• I accept non-closure regarding race and class disparities in the world. Legacies of injusticies are complicated. While I continue to strive to do my best to make this world more just and to support the under-represented and forgotten of the world, I give up judging the motivations of others. I drop my feelings of prejudice toward and my judgment of those (including myself) who benefit from unfair systems.
• I'm a teacher. I chose this profession. We're underpaid and underappreciated. Asi es. Shoganai. We also have many opportunities to make a meaningful and positive difference in the world. 
• I can now say that I like California, Utah, Idaho, and Texas and the people who live there. I would be willing to live in those states and happy to raise my children in any one of them.
• I cannot change others and I relinquish the desire to. Sometimes others give you the courtesy of explaining their hurtful actions and other times they do not or cannot. I accept that.
• My classroom attitude shifted from resembling: "And there was nothing save it was exceeding harshness, preaching and prophesying of wars, and contentions, and destructions, and continually reminding them of death, and the duration of eternity, and the judgments and the power of God, and all these things--stirring them up continually to keep them in the fear of the Lord. I say there was nothing short of these things, and exceedingly great plainness of speech, would keep them from going down speedily to destruction." to: "No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only be persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned;"

Questions to consider regarding change in your own life:

• How is change a gift?
• How did you change in 2013?
• Have you ever felt put in a box or that others did not allow you to change? How did you get out of that situation?
• What progress do you look forward to making in 2014?

I would love to read your answers to these questions in the comments below. Happy 2014!

DMV Slang

Last year I was introduced to a whole new lexicon when I started teaching middle school in the DMV (DC, Maryland, Virginia) area. So in the event that any of my blog readers visit DC, I am providing, as a public service, a dictionary of common DMV lingo, complete with real-life examples. Enjoy!

Bama: A "bama" is kind of like a "punk" or a "loser" or a "fool." It comes from the word Alabama and apparently originally reflected how Alabamans seemd backward to DMVers.

"I'm sick and tired of all these bamas."

Blow: To blow is to annoy or frustrate.

"Ms. K, you're blowin' me!"
"This homework assignment has got me blown!"

Champ: not cool

"That party last night was champ."

Cised: excited, stoked

"I'm cised about the new Wale CD."

Do too much: try too hard, doing more than what needs to be done, "freaking out" or getting overly emotional or upset

"Ms. K is always doin' too much."
"Don't do too much."
"You're doin' too much."

Hungry: Fat

"We all know Joey wants a twinkie cause he's hungry."
"Shut up, you hungry, boy!"

Guh: annoyed/annoying

"You got me guh."
"My mom is so guh."
(After someone does something stupid) "Awww, you guh!"

Jone: joke, tease

"It's not a big deal, I was just jonein'!"
"Oh, so you jonein' now?"
"She was jonein' on me."

Kirk off: freak out

"Ms. K, you better get out of my face before I kirk off and smack you."

Moe: Dude

"Chill out, moe."

Mug: really/a lot

"Ms. K, your teeth are white as a mug!"
"It's hot as a mug in here!"

Pressed: worried, stressed, bent out of shape

"Everybody was tellin me that I should talk with him, but I'm not that pressed."

Real life: for real, I'm serious

"Ms. K, you better get him away from me or I'm gonna smack him, real life."

Sike nah: Just kidding

"Hey, Ms. K, I didn't do my homework... sike nah!"

Thirsty: Bad breath

"Nah, I don't go with that girl. She's thirsty."

Thought it was: "That's what you thought" or "The joke's on you"

Person 1: "Isn't that assignment due tomorrow instead of today?"
Person 2: "Thought it was."

10 Dimensions of a Healthy Marriage

This summer I interned at Child Trends in Washington, DC. One of the projects I spent some time working on involved testing Child Trends' previously conceptualized definition for a healthy marriage. These are the ten dimensions they identified:

1. Commitment

2. Satisfaction

3. Communication

4. Effective Conflict Resolution

5. Lack of Violence and Abuse

6. Fidelity or Faithfulness

7. Intimacy and Emotional Support

8. Friendship and Spending Time Together

9. Commitment to Children

10. Duration and Legal Status

What do you think?

Mi Casa es su Casa

It has been a long day so this post is like therapy for me. Enjoy!

On Friday night I was able to go to the 138th Ward Family Reunion. It was so nice to visit with old friends and their families. Seeing my former bishop reminded me of all the ways I grew in his ward and what I learned from him. This post is a compilation of all the things that made Bishop so great!

This is a picture of some of us with the bishop at a temple trip in 2007.



This is me with the Crosbys at the Reunion. I was able to work closely with Sister Crosby in Relief Society. She was our trainer and go-to woman extraordinaire. The reunion was at their home and I love visiting them!


John will tell you that this is a typical Andrea pose. "John, you better not take the picture until we're ready."


This is my former roommate Emily. I miss her.


Bishop memorized everyone's name before they moved into the ward. I remember on my first day he asked my name and when I told him Andrea he said, "You know Jackie in the ward." He never forgot it. I also heard that when he was called to be bishop he received a copy of the ward directory before being sustained. On his first Sunday in the ward, he stood at the front of the room and knew every ward member's name. Crazy!

Bishop made it clear that we were a family ward, not a singles ward. He thought the term "singles ward" was ridiculous so he made it very clear that we were a ward family and that we were to take care of each other.

Bishop taught about Christ. Our ward theme was Come Unto Christ and it was regularly referred to in meetings, lessons and other interactions. I always remember having a testimony of Christ, but Bishop's unapologetic emphasis and lived example made the Atonement of Jesus Christ a more vivid reality for me.

Bishop's favorite hymn was Press Forward Saints. Whenever we sang it, we all had to stand. I've never seen someone sing with such gusto.

Bishop was always looking for teaching opportunities. Sometimes I would be talking to Bishop at an activity and our conversation would remind him of something so he would find the scriptures and teach me a principle. On Friday, Bishop pulled me aside and taught me something out of 3 Nephi that perfectly matched what I needed to hear.

Bishop calls us his sons and daughters. At an enrichment activity Bishop told us something that has affected my behavior ever since. He told us that some women slow down for a man that they like, but that was not the correct way. He told us as his daughters to go forward in life as fast as we had strength and to wait for a man to see us pass by and think that he wanted to work to catch up with us. He told us that's what he loved about his wife... and he meant it.

Bishop didn't knock. And neither did anyone else in the ward. Because we were a family, there was an open door policy. He also told us if there was going to be any kissing to lock the door because no one wants to walk in on that. Once a couple in the ward did not take that counsel and it was super awkward for me! :D

Bishop baptized the whole ward on temple trips. It didn't matter how many sisters there were; he baptized every single one. (My arms hurt just thinking about it). He also bought us all dessert in the temple cafeteria. Mmmm...

Bishop fed us. We went up to Bishop's house a few times a month and there was always plenty of food. He didn't lock the door to his house and told us this with an invitation to come over anytime and to make sure we didn't knock. Some people really took him up on this.

Bishop random digit dialed. All of the apartments in the complex started with the same eight digits and then had two digit extensions. When there was a pressing need in the ward, he would randomly mix up the last two numbers and ask whoever answered the phone to take care of the need.

Bishop tried to get us 7 am church. When faced with the dreadful 1:30 pm church, Bishop tried his hardest to bargain for 7 am church. The stake said no one would come. Bishop thought otherwise but was vetoed.

Bishop loves to tell stories. My favorite was when he got fired as a bus driver.

Bishop was slightly intrusive. From the beginning Bishop acted like a good friend. At first it was hard for me as a closed-off Minnesotan to accept. But once I realized that he was genuine I started to feel comfortable. Because he asked the hard questions, I feel like Bishop really knows who I am.

Bishop interviewed like crazy. His last week of being bishop he interviewed everyone in the ward. Seriously.

When I run into someone who was in that ward I feel like I'm seeing family. My last week in DC, a friend from the 138th ward, Hugh, moved into my DC ward. It was a happy reunion!

I am certain I will never again meet someone quite like Bishop. What a blessing to have learned from him!

Dating Styles of Prospective Sister Missionaries

Before I received my mission call I believed that the notion that dating patterns change for women after receiving a mission call was false. However, after I submitted my mission papers I started to be asked on dates more often. And I really couldn’t figure out why.

For one of my classes, we read an article on the dating patterns of Return Missionaries (RMs) at BYU. But I wonder what the dating patterns of women who are preparing to serve missions are. This has lead me to create my own list of possible pre-sister missionary dating styles that need to be qualitatively researched. They are:

· Fill the Canteen: Women in this category are looking to have non-committal fun before they serve. Their relationships might be characterized by more physical affection. These women probably also date often.

· Stay Away: These women avoid dating at all costs. They are preparing to serve a mission and do not want to have a relationship that might prevent them from serving or distract them from their preparation.

· Whatever: An outside observer might not know that women in this category are planning to serve a mission. This woman would not make any changes to her dating pattern, but continue with whatever style she was previously. She seems to be thinking that whatever happens, happens.

· Friendship: This woman continues to date, but instead of looking for romantic relationships, she focuses on developing friendships with men. She might be looking to improve her dating skills so that she can use them when she returns or she may be looking to create a base of friends that might be potential dating candidates when she returns.

· Desperate: This woman might have only submitted her mission papers because she wasn’t dating anyone. She is looking for any excuse to date and marry so she does not have to serve. She might also have felt pressured from her family to serve.

· New Woman: This is the woman who, upon submitting her mission papers, feels a new sense of freedom from fear of rejection. Rejection does not seem to affect her as much because she has an attractive alternative. When she sees a potential relationship beginning to form she may feel that it’s now or never.

· Love ‘em and Leave ‘em: This woman continues to seek and form committed relationships. She may do this because she wants someone to be there when she gets back or she might want someone to write her throughout her mission. In contrast to the Desperate dating style, she still plans to leave her partner to serve a mission.

What would be the characteristics of women in each category? Would one consist of women who are planning to serve and have not dated much and another consist of women who are serving despite the availability of many opportunities for marriage? Only quality qualitative research will tell.

What Every Relief Society President Should Know

In honor of the General Relief Society Meeting tonight, I thought I would share some of the things that I learned from serving in the Relief Society last summer. I created this list to pass on to the next president who happened to by my roommate Lynne! This calling allowed me to grow in ways I never thought possible and continues to bless my life now. Many of the principles in this list apply to all aspects of list. Pictures of sisters from our Relief Society this summer are scattered throughout.

Advice (hopefully good advice) for serving as Relief Society President

August 10, 2008

Focus on Jesus Christ.

Read the Relief Society Handbook.

Follow the bishop.

Prepare for Welfare meetings by reviewing the sisters in your Relief Society and their needs.

Focus on individuals, in your personal ministry and in discussions in presidency meetings.

Sister Beck said in the last General Relief Society Broadcast to focus on relief and sociality will happen in your

Relief Society, it does not necessarily work the other way around. I found this to be good advice.

Enrichment is so important and is one of the ways that you can meet the needs of the sisters in your Relief Society. Invite the enrichment leader to presidency meetings occasionally so she can counsel with you on the needs that can be met through enrichment.

Come up with a theme or guiding principle with your presidency. This will help you to grow together and will help the sisters to remember the important principles you will try to emphasize. It will also help your Relief Society to be unified.

**At the beginning of the semester, have presidency visits. This is a good way to introduce yourself to the sisters in your Relief Society and to get to know them.

**Call the sisters before they move in and introduce yourself and offer to help them with moving in or rides from the airport if they need it.

Learn what you can about Relief Society and its purpose and history. Your Relief Society is but one branch of a much larger society with a unique and rich history. Understanding the broader mission, purpose, history and direction of Relief Society will help you to serve within it.

We sang a song in sacrament together as a Relief Society and I thought it was a good unifying activity and also let sisters that would not usually participate in something like that to try something new. We practiced the hymn during our music moment each week.

Try to prepare the agendas for Relief Society (prayers, songs, etc.) before you arrive at Relief Society. This allows you to be more calm and reverent at the beginning of the meeting.

I would have fewer announcements at the beginning of Relief Society and I would ask my counselors and secretary to arrive early to Relief Society so you can start on time. With fewer announcements there is more time for the lesson which is the most important part of Relief Society meetings (in my opinion).

Be friends and grow close as a presidency. Look out for each other. As a president, lean on your counselors and the other presidents for support. Try not to let yourself or your counselors get burnt out. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Use your home and visiting teachers.

I would have liked to work with the Elders Quorum more to meet the needs of the sisters. Make sure you let the Elders Quorum President know about any sisters that may need especially faithful home teachers.

**Encourage your counselors to try to interview every sister each month. This will help you all to be more in tune with the needs of the sisters and will remind them of their assignment to visit teach.

Visiting teaching is the foundation of Relief Society. I would have liked to have used my visiting teachers more to meet the needs of sisters.

Have agendas for all presidency meetings. I liked the pattern of going through and allowing each member of the presidency to present her business. Encourage everyone to come to the meeting prepared to report and share something at the meeting.

INTERVIEWS

• Don’t be afraid to ask hard questions in the interviews, sometimes the only way a sister will tell you about something that is troubling her and needs to be resolved is if you directly ask her.
• The new sisters especially probably will not open up to you on the first visit, but they still have needs that you can meet. Keep working to get to know them better. You will find as time progresses that they will be more open with you when they sense your genuine love for them, but it takes time to develop.
• You may want to ask the sisters to share their testimony or a favorite scripture with you. This is a good way to get to know them better and for you to get a feel for their personality and how you can help them.
• Interviews are a chance for you to assess the spiritual and temporal needs of the sisters in your Relief Society. Part of the responsibility of the president is to help meet the physical needs of the sisters in your Relief Society, through the Church welfare system if necessary. Let every sister know that you are there to help them if they need help
• **Try to interview all of the sisters in the first month. This will help you for the rest of the semester because you will be able to know each sister individually and personally. You can also assess the needs of sisters and know who you need to interview more often.

**Pray for each sister individually every day. This will help you to feel a connection with your sisters and will encourage you to get to know every sister individually so you know what to pray for. It may be difficult at first, but as the semester progresses and you get to know each sister better; you will know what to pray for. This will also help God to work through you by prompting you on how you can best meet the needs of sisters that you otherwise may not have been aware of.

**The stake encourages us to spend thirty minutes a day on our calling. This might involve just stopping by to say hi, preparing for a lesson, praying for each sister or rearranging visiting teaching. Your obedience to this counsel from the stake will greatly bless the sister in your Relief Society.

What you do in the time when you are not officially acting in your calling can really help set the tone for your Relief Society. Just stopping by to say hello for no official reason or stopping to talk with sisters will help them open up to you.

SECRETARY

• Use your secretary! Secretaries are one of the greatest assets in your presidency. Make sure that the person you call is very responsible and dependable and has a love for the sisters.
• The secretary can do more than just the monthly report. She can help you set-up interviews, prepare agendas for presidency meetings, report in presidency meetings on patterns she is noticing in visiting teaching and in Relief Society attendance, and do other things as needed.

Find joy and satisfaction in service. You are called of God and are qualified to the work. Heavenly Father loves his daughters and despite any weaknesses you may feel that you have, he can and will meet their needs through you. You will do a wonderful job and grow in ways you never thought possible. Work hard and give your all so you can look back on this as one of the most fulfilling and joyful experiences of your life. You will be great!

**Advice specifically applies to serving in a Student Ward or in the BYU 15^th Stake