Change: An amazing gift

"Nothing is so unchanging, so inevitable as change itself." -Marvin J. Ashton

 

"When we're through changing, we're through." -Bruce Barton

While there were many years where I would have rather started out perfect in my every pursuit, I now love and cherish the changes in my heart and mind that I experience. I love that moment when your eyes are opened and you realize that you were wrong. Why? Because when it comes, despite the fact that I often have to humble myself and apologize to others, I can see both worlds. And in seeing both perspectives, I am better prepared to help others. My vision is expanded.

That is not to say that we should not strive to be our best every day, but rather that we should not be afraid to move forward in life even if we are not guaranteed perfection right away. Sometimes the challenges we face are bigger than our prior experiences and our previous capacities, but as we struggle and persevere, our abilities are strengthened and our understanding is increased. We are able to not just survive, but flourish!

Over the last few years I had some experiences where I felt like others took a snapshot of me, a dynamic and constantly-changing woman. Have we not all made a similar error to some degree or another? I felt like they used this snapshot to judge my past, present, and future. It hurt. Perhaps they did not know me well enough to know my deep commitment to improvement and progression. Maybe they did not know how far I had come and how hard I had worked to achieve that snapshot that they critiqued.

Let's commit ourselves to refrain from doing this to others and instead to understand others in context: as a product of their past with great potential ahead. If others put us in a box and do not allow us to change, let's recognize it for what it is--a misjudgment--and continue progressing in our lives.

We can remember: "The time to make up your mind about someone is never." The same holds for ourselves. If you have something that you know you need to change, change it! That is what I am working toward in 2014, being my best me.

I love you all, friends and family. If I ever fail to give you the opportunity to change, please let me know. I believe in you and I know that through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, all things are possible.

Ways I changed in 2013:

• I accept non-closure regarding race and class disparities in the world. Legacies of injusticies are complicated. While I continue to strive to do my best to make this world more just and to support the under-represented and forgotten of the world, I give up judging the motivations of others. I drop my feelings of prejudice toward and my judgment of those (including myself) who benefit from unfair systems.
• I'm a teacher. I chose this profession. We're underpaid and underappreciated. Asi es. Shoganai. We also have many opportunities to make a meaningful and positive difference in the world. 
• I can now say that I like California, Utah, Idaho, and Texas and the people who live there. I would be willing to live in those states and happy to raise my children in any one of them.
• I cannot change others and I relinquish the desire to. Sometimes others give you the courtesy of explaining their hurtful actions and other times they do not or cannot. I accept that.
• My classroom attitude shifted from resembling: "And there was nothing save it was exceeding harshness, preaching and prophesying of wars, and contentions, and destructions, and continually reminding them of death, and the duration of eternity, and the judgments and the power of God, and all these things--stirring them up continually to keep them in the fear of the Lord. I say there was nothing short of these things, and exceedingly great plainness of speech, would keep them from going down speedily to destruction." to: "No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only be persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned;"

Questions to consider regarding change in your own life:

• How is change a gift?
• How did you change in 2013?
• Have you ever felt put in a box or that others did not allow you to change? How did you get out of that situation?
• What progress do you look forward to making in 2014?

I would love to read your answers to these questions in the comments below. Happy 2014!

Craftapalooza!

I have always felt self conscious about my crafting abilities. You know that girl that makes a nice craft and then wants to add just one more dot, one more swirl, one more petal. And that one little thing goes just a little too far and ends up ruining the craft. Well that has always been me... until today!

A big thanks to the Kinghorn/Ransom/Spurlock/Gutierrez/Shank women for inspiring my inner crafty girl!

 

Joy

Today I sat in the car crying with my forehead buried in the steering wheel. I had just read a text message about my grandmother's rapidly declining health.

Despite having a deep belief in eternal families and knowing that I will see her again, I am still sad to lose my grandmother and sad to hear of all the pain she is experiencing.

As I was crying I realized that my grandmother left me a wonderful gift--The Gospel of Jesus Christ. I had just left the temple where the older sisters there had built me up, given me tips about how to make Hawaiian haystacks for a ward activity, shared how they overcame the grief of losing spouses, and invited me to dine in their homes.These sisters will never replace my grandmother, but in a way act as surrogate grandmothers and examples for me.

Thank you, grandma, for passing on your love for Jesus Christ and those around you. Thank you for showing me how to be strong when things are difficult. Thank you for believing in me.

Thank you for teaching me what it means to be a Joy.

{For an inspiring, hopeful treatment of death, please read this talk titled "He is Risen!" by President Thomas S. Monson.}

10 Dimensions of a Healthy Marriage

This summer I interned at Child Trends in Washington, DC. One of the projects I spent some time working on involved testing Child Trends' previously conceptualized definition for a healthy marriage. These are the ten dimensions they identified:

1. Commitment

2. Satisfaction

3. Communication

4. Effective Conflict Resolution

5. Lack of Violence and Abuse

6. Fidelity or Faithfulness

7. Intimacy and Emotional Support

8. Friendship and Spending Time Together

9. Commitment to Children

10. Duration and Legal Status

What do you think?

Wedding Bells

LoriAnn's wedding was last Saturday. The crew and I worked hard to pull it off. This is me at Applebee's enjoying a nice cold glass of water after a long day of reception craziness.

For a photo documentary of the preparations and the finished product, see Amy's blog.

To try or not to try: that is the question.

For those who don't know, I currently work as a research assistant for a professor at BYU. Right now, most of the probjects I'm involved in deal with divorce. One of my tasks is to sort through comments made during an evaluation of a book my professor co-authored titled Should I Keep Trying to Work It Out: A Guidebook for Individuals and Couples at the Crossroads of Divorce (And Before).

If you know anyone contemplating divorce, I recommend this book (for which I have included a full-text link above) as a resource to guide the decision-making process. 

Singing Heads

Sometimes when I'm having a hard day or I miss Cameron (my brother), I watch this.


 
PS - Pause it at 2:26

Mi Casa es su Casa

It has been a long day so this post is like therapy for me. Enjoy!

On Friday night I was able to go to the 138th Ward Family Reunion. It was so nice to visit with old friends and their families. Seeing my former bishop reminded me of all the ways I grew in his ward and what I learned from him. This post is a compilation of all the things that made Bishop so great!

This is a picture of some of us with the bishop at a temple trip in 2007.



This is me with the Crosbys at the Reunion. I was able to work closely with Sister Crosby in Relief Society. She was our trainer and go-to woman extraordinaire. The reunion was at their home and I love visiting them!


John will tell you that this is a typical Andrea pose. "John, you better not take the picture until we're ready."


This is my former roommate Emily. I miss her.


Bishop memorized everyone's name before they moved into the ward. I remember on my first day he asked my name and when I told him Andrea he said, "You know Jackie in the ward." He never forgot it. I also heard that when he was called to be bishop he received a copy of the ward directory before being sustained. On his first Sunday in the ward, he stood at the front of the room and knew every ward member's name. Crazy!

Bishop made it clear that we were a family ward, not a singles ward. He thought the term "singles ward" was ridiculous so he made it very clear that we were a ward family and that we were to take care of each other.

Bishop taught about Christ. Our ward theme was Come Unto Christ and it was regularly referred to in meetings, lessons and other interactions. I always remember having a testimony of Christ, but Bishop's unapologetic emphasis and lived example made the Atonement of Jesus Christ a more vivid reality for me.

Bishop's favorite hymn was Press Forward Saints. Whenever we sang it, we all had to stand. I've never seen someone sing with such gusto.

Bishop was always looking for teaching opportunities. Sometimes I would be talking to Bishop at an activity and our conversation would remind him of something so he would find the scriptures and teach me a principle. On Friday, Bishop pulled me aside and taught me something out of 3 Nephi that perfectly matched what I needed to hear.

Bishop calls us his sons and daughters. At an enrichment activity Bishop told us something that has affected my behavior ever since. He told us that some women slow down for a man that they like, but that was not the correct way. He told us as his daughters to go forward in life as fast as we had strength and to wait for a man to see us pass by and think that he wanted to work to catch up with us. He told us that's what he loved about his wife... and he meant it.

Bishop didn't knock. And neither did anyone else in the ward. Because we were a family, there was an open door policy. He also told us if there was going to be any kissing to lock the door because no one wants to walk in on that. Once a couple in the ward did not take that counsel and it was super awkward for me! :D

Bishop baptized the whole ward on temple trips. It didn't matter how many sisters there were; he baptized every single one. (My arms hurt just thinking about it). He also bought us all dessert in the temple cafeteria. Mmmm...

Bishop fed us. We went up to Bishop's house a few times a month and there was always plenty of food. He didn't lock the door to his house and told us this with an invitation to come over anytime and to make sure we didn't knock. Some people really took him up on this.

Bishop random digit dialed. All of the apartments in the complex started with the same eight digits and then had two digit extensions. When there was a pressing need in the ward, he would randomly mix up the last two numbers and ask whoever answered the phone to take care of the need.

Bishop tried to get us 7 am church. When faced with the dreadful 1:30 pm church, Bishop tried his hardest to bargain for 7 am church. The stake said no one would come. Bishop thought otherwise but was vetoed.

Bishop loves to tell stories. My favorite was when he got fired as a bus driver.

Bishop was slightly intrusive. From the beginning Bishop acted like a good friend. At first it was hard for me as a closed-off Minnesotan to accept. But once I realized that he was genuine I started to feel comfortable. Because he asked the hard questions, I feel like Bishop really knows who I am.

Bishop interviewed like crazy. His last week of being bishop he interviewed everyone in the ward. Seriously.

When I run into someone who was in that ward I feel like I'm seeing family. My last week in DC, a friend from the 138th ward, Hugh, moved into my DC ward. It was a happy reunion!

I am certain I will never again meet someone quite like Bishop. What a blessing to have learned from him!

My Brother Won the Nobel Peace Prize

An uncanny resemblance.

The Meanest Mom

My friend Amy recently introduced me to a The Meanest Mom Blog. She is a 32-year-old LDS mother of four who lives in Philadelphia. It makes me laugh. Probably because I know that one day I, too, will be the meanest mom.

"Yes, you do need to do your homework before you can play with your friends."

"No, sweetheart, we are not having ice cream for breakfast."

Cruel.

Check it out!

Good Advice (I'd imagine)

"Choose the one you love. Love the one you choose."

What I Love About My Mother

My mom is an amazing woman. I attended a family ward on Sunday where the Primary children sang a few songs for Mother's day. For some reason, every year when the Primary children sing, I cry. Every year. I think it's partially because I see how much those children love their mothers and I think of how that love will grow and mature as they grow up. Also, I feel the smallest portion of the future joys of motherhood. For whatever reason, it reminded me of how much I love my mother and I came up with this list in Sacrament meeting. Aren't mothers wonderful?!


1. Mom has unconditional love. Even when I have messed up or been unkind to her, Mom never removes her love and is quick to forgive.

2. Mom listens. I am amazed at her seemingly endless capacity for listening to others including my friends and other women. Sometimes we'll be on the phone and then it will go quiet. Yep, Mom has fallen asleep listening to me again. :)

3. Mom is interested. I remember once in high school, I came home from being out with my friends and my mom was asleep so I didn't wake her up. Mistake! She was not happy the next day because she wanted to hear all about it. No detail is too unimportant; it doesn't matter if it's what I'm having for dinner or what I'm going to do after I graduate, Mom wants to know.

4. Mom is honest. She calls them like she sees them and is not afraid to tell me when I am wrong.

5. Mom trusts me. I know my Mom believes in me and my ability to make good choices and succeed.

6. Mom is intelligent. I remember when Mom went back to school and got straight As. Go Mom!

7. Mom has a deep and abiding faith in Jesus Christ. I have never wondered if Mom really believes what she teaches because she lives it every day. Even when it is hard, my mom chooses to believe.

8. Mom is thoughtful. Almost every day I get a text message from Mom just saying something like, "Hope you had a good weekend," or "I love you."

9. Mom has a beautiful smile and an infectious laugh. She is funny and she is not afraid to let loose. Sometimes she laughs at her own jokes.


10. Mom can be intense when we play games as a family. Don't even try to cheat.

11. Mom is always the first one asleep. It doesn't matter if we're in the movie theater or on the couch. If a movie is playing, Mom will fall asleep.

12. Mom holds me to high standards. I remember when I found out about my scholarship deadline the day before it was due. I was distraught and was ready to give up when Mom told me, no way! So with her support (and my dad, and my bishop, and my teachers, and my young women's leader) I was able to write three essays, put together a resume, fill out all the forms, get a bishop's recommendation, two academic recommendations, and one personal recommendation. All in one day. Things like that have happened throughout my life. Mom believes in me.

13. Mom is welcoming and inclusive. I called Mom on Mother's Day (of course) and she couldn't talk to me on the home phone because the missionaries were over talking to their moms. I can't remember a month or major holiday growing up when we did not have the missionaries or a new family in the ward over. And no one was too unimportant to eat at our house.

14. My friends love my mom more than they love me. I'm convinced that in high school, my friends only came over to talk to my mom. When my mom volunteered at my elementary school, all my friends wanted to be in her group. Thanks mom for making it possible for me to have friends. :)

15. Mom is a hard worker. Mom is always the first one awake. She has taught seminary, directed camps for children, volunteered at our schools, served in the Church, been a college student, worked full time, supported her children in all their activities, and the list goes on.

16. Mom sacrifices, but doesn't make it known. As a child I did not appreciate all that my mom gave up for my brothers and me. But she has quietly sacrificed so much to be there for me whenever I needed her.

17. Mom is talented. Not only is she talented, but she used those gifts to bless our family. Mom is an excellent singer and she used to belt it out around the house. I loved to listen to her recording of The Ark which is a musical that she was in the original cast of. I wanted to be like her and sing on stage and because of her example, I was able to fulfill that dream in high school.Now Mom, Cameron, and I can all sing together (Dad and Chris could sing, but they choose not to). Cameron is even a music major with an amazing voice and a passion for all things music.

18. Mom is patient with me. I was not an easy child. Yes, I have an extremely fiesty side and my poor mom has had to deal with it for years. But she has never given up and now I am... slightly less fiesty.

19. Everything I know can be traced back to Mom. I like to look back at old home videos where I can see our bedrooms where Mom put up posters with numbers and the alphabet. She taught me to be kind to others and shaped the way I see the world. She taught me about Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.

20. Mom makes me want to be better. I always say that my mom is a saint, because she is. But her goodness isn't discouraging or condescending, it makes me want to be like her.

I love you, Mom.

It's all in the Trends, my friends

This is old news for most of you, but early last month I was hired at an intern with Child Trends in Washington, D.C. from April until August. Yay! Child Trends is the foremost research organization for children and families in the nation. They're nonprofit and nonpartisan (right up my alley) and they are the major source of data for Congress on children and families. Even better, my supervisor is one of the most well-respected researchers in the family sciences. Yay again!

So that means instead of bumming around Provo for the summer (which I have loved for the past two years - see picture on the left), I will be living in downtown D.C., working on research 32 hours a week, and traveling up and down the east coast on weekends (visiting fancy schmancy law schools and such). According to my supervisor and former interns, I will be involved all along the research process from literature reviews to survey creation to data collection and analysis. At times, I'll sit in on briefings at the Capitol and report back to the Child Trends staff on the development of legislation that affects children and families. I probably will even be able to complete my Honors Thesis.

This internship has worked together so perfectly, in a way I never could have planned. It reminds me of what President Ezra Taft Benson said:

"...Men and women who turn their lives over to God will find out that he can make a lot more out of their lives than they can. He will deepen their joys, expand their vision, quicken their minds, strengthen their muscles, lift their spirits, multiply their blessings, increase their opportunities, comfort their souls, raise up friends, and pour out peace. Whoever will lose [her] life to God will find [she] has eternal life (Jesus Christ - Gifts and Expectations, Ensign, May 1975)."

As I have striven to follow his counsel, I have found amazing opportunities, unplanned and perfectly suited for my gifts and strengths, come my way. I'm not exactly sure what the future holds for me (I don't even know where I'll be in September), but I have the assurance that if I live correctly, it will be better than I ever could have planned.

The gospel gives me great perspective in my field of study. Not only do I, as a Latter-day Saint, have The Family: A Proclamation to the World to guide my interactions with my family and my study of families, I also have the scriptures and modern-day revelation. The Doctrine and Covenants teaches us that families can be forever (D&C 132:19-24). We know that our relationships with those we love will be similar, except we will enjoy even greater glory than we do now (D&C 130:2). The Lord also tells us that parents are to teach their children the gospel (D&C 68:25-28) and bring them up "in light and truth (D&C 93:40)." We are also given a pattern and accompanying blessings for how to interact with our family and others (D&C 121:41-16).

I recognize that most of the families I research and interact with will not share all of the same views on the family with me. But, I am blessed to know of the divine and eternal potential that all families have.

Daughter, Sister, Friend, Woman

The visiting teaching message this month is about the divine role of women. As I've been preparing my message, it's given me time to think about my role as a woman, especially as a woman in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. This has lead me on a trail of studying several chapters from books like Go Forward With Faith, Covenant Hearts, A Quiet Heart, The Belonging Heart, Teachings of the Prophet Gordon B. Hinckley, Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, and Strengthening Our Families. Each of the chapters or addresses I looked at dealt with different aspects of the divine and eternal roles that women fulfill.

Last week, I had a good discussion with my friends Lynne and Justin about finances (especially starting to invest money and build credit). The conversation brought up the point that even though I don't have much money right now, I want to gain experience managing my finances so I can truly be an equal partner in my marriage. I believe that if I put in the effort now, I will have more to offer to my future husband and family, making our combined efforts even greater (hooray for synergy!).

In the gospel, married couples are seen as one (Genesis 2:24). The Family: A Proclamation to the World says that in family roles, men and women are "obligated to help one another as equal partners." Exaltation, the ultimate goal of existence, is not eternal life, but eternal lives, sealed together as husband and wife (D&C 132:24). At the October 2008 General Conference, Elder Nelson commented on this when he said, "In God's eternal plan, ... exaltation is a family matter. (Salvation and Exaltation, November 2008 Ensign)"

Equal partnership is not ensuring that each partner does the exact same work; it is more than keeping score. One of my favorite stories of equal partnership is about Elder Neal A. Maxwell and comes from an article in the Ensign by Elder and Sister Hafen:

"Elder Neal A. Maxwell (1926–2004) of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles said that for too long in the Church, the men have been the theologians while the women have been the Christians. To be equal partners, each should be both a theologian and a Christian.

"When Elder Maxwell learned in 1996 that he had leukemia, the diagnosis was discouraging. He had worked for years on making himself “willing to submit” (Mosiah 3:19) to the Lord’s will. If it was time to face death, he didn’t want to shrink from drinking his bitter cup.

"But his wife, Colleen, thought he was too willing to yield. With loving directness, she said that Christ Himself earnestly pleaded first, “If it be possible, let this cup pass from me.” Only then did He submit Himself, saying, “Nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt” (Matthew 26:39). Elder Maxwell saw his wife’s doctrinal insight and agreed. As a result, they pleaded together that his life might be spared. Motivated by their determination, Elder Maxwell’s doctor found a new medical treatment that prolonged his life for several years. Elder Maxwell was grateful that he was not the only theologian in their marriage. (Crossing Thresholds and Becoming Equal Partners, August 2007 Ensign)"

The prophet Joseph Smith helped to set the tone for women in the Church. In 1842 he organized the Relief Society, and his relationship with Emma exemplified equal partnership. Doctrine and Covenants section 25 is a revelation given to Emma. Verse five reads, "And the office of thy calling shall be for a comfort unto... thy husband, in his afflictions, with consoling words, in the spirit of meekness." While verse nine says, "And thou needest not fear, for thy husband shall support thee in the church... (emphasis added)" Emma and Joseph were equal partners, they comforted and supported each other throughout life.

One of the beauties of the gospel is that the divinity of women and motherhood does not in any way lessen the divinity of men and the priesthood. Rather, they come together to make a perfect and complete whole that neither could attain individually. I was reminded of this on a plane ride a few months ago when, after hearing that I was not dating anyone, the woman next to me made a disparaging comment about men. I quickly felt the need to clarify that even though I was single, I knew many good and honorable men.

I am grateful for the status of women in the Church. In no other place do I feel more respected and more empowered to do good.