Change: An amazing gift

"Nothing is so unchanging, so inevitable as change itself." -Marvin J. Ashton

 

"When we're through changing, we're through." -Bruce Barton

While there were many years where I would have rather started out perfect in my every pursuit, I now love and cherish the changes in my heart and mind that I experience. I love that moment when your eyes are opened and you realize that you were wrong. Why? Because when it comes, despite the fact that I often have to humble myself and apologize to others, I can see both worlds. And in seeing both perspectives, I am better prepared to help others. My vision is expanded.

That is not to say that we should not strive to be our best every day, but rather that we should not be afraid to move forward in life even if we are not guaranteed perfection right away. Sometimes the challenges we face are bigger than our prior experiences and our previous capacities, but as we struggle and persevere, our abilities are strengthened and our understanding is increased. We are able to not just survive, but flourish!

Over the last few years I had some experiences where I felt like others took a snapshot of me, a dynamic and constantly-changing woman. Have we not all made a similar error to some degree or another? I felt like they used this snapshot to judge my past, present, and future. It hurt. Perhaps they did not know me well enough to know my deep commitment to improvement and progression. Maybe they did not know how far I had come and how hard I had worked to achieve that snapshot that they critiqued.

Let's commit ourselves to refrain from doing this to others and instead to understand others in context: as a product of their past with great potential ahead. If others put us in a box and do not allow us to change, let's recognize it for what it is--a misjudgment--and continue progressing in our lives.

We can remember: "The time to make up your mind about someone is never." The same holds for ourselves. If you have something that you know you need to change, change it! That is what I am working toward in 2014, being my best me.

I love you all, friends and family. If I ever fail to give you the opportunity to change, please let me know. I believe in you and I know that through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, all things are possible.

Ways I changed in 2013:

• I accept non-closure regarding race and class disparities in the world. Legacies of injusticies are complicated. While I continue to strive to do my best to make this world more just and to support the under-represented and forgotten of the world, I give up judging the motivations of others. I drop my feelings of prejudice toward and my judgment of those (including myself) who benefit from unfair systems.
• I'm a teacher. I chose this profession. We're underpaid and underappreciated. Asi es. Shoganai. We also have many opportunities to make a meaningful and positive difference in the world. 
• I can now say that I like California, Utah, Idaho, and Texas and the people who live there. I would be willing to live in those states and happy to raise my children in any one of them.
• I cannot change others and I relinquish the desire to. Sometimes others give you the courtesy of explaining their hurtful actions and other times they do not or cannot. I accept that.
• My classroom attitude shifted from resembling: "And there was nothing save it was exceeding harshness, preaching and prophesying of wars, and contentions, and destructions, and continually reminding them of death, and the duration of eternity, and the judgments and the power of God, and all these things--stirring them up continually to keep them in the fear of the Lord. I say there was nothing short of these things, and exceedingly great plainness of speech, would keep them from going down speedily to destruction." to: "No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only be persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned;"

Questions to consider regarding change in your own life:

• How is change a gift?
• How did you change in 2013?
• Have you ever felt put in a box or that others did not allow you to change? How did you get out of that situation?
• What progress do you look forward to making in 2014?

I would love to read your answers to these questions in the comments below. Happy 2014!

Thank you

Today a student was struggling to put his answer on paper. He knew the answer. I knew that he knew it. He knew that he knew it. But he just could not commit to it enough to write it, even in pencil, on his paper. I knew that he wanted to write it and move on; he just needed that extra push.

My natural inclination:  "You have ten seconds to write an answer down on your paper."

You taught me that my natural inclination can be bossy and off-putting.

Thanks to you, I paused before speaking. "You have the answer inside of you. I can tell. Why don't you write down your best guess?"

A softer touch was what he needed.

Dating: Three Kinds of Men

For the past few years I have been asked a lot of questions about dating by men and women. I think it might have something to do with the fact that my major is Family Studies. Everyone assumes that I actually know something about these topics. I don't know if my advice is good, but it's advice and I give it. In fact, I've been asked about some topics so regularly that I've started to codify my responses.

The Three Kinds of Men

When it comes to single women's view of single men, I have observed three different categories.

Yes. This means that the jury is in: she's interested. How will you know? If you aren't picking up on the subtle cues that women are famous for dropping, you can talk to her female friends (or male friends, but this is tricky because they may be Maybes or Nos from below and may try to sabotage your efforts). Subtle cues may include but are not limited to: prolonged eye contact, touching your arm/elbow, doing nice things for you, baking something for you, laughing at all of your jokes, going out of her way to be where you are going to be, remembering things that you tell her, asking "So when are you going to ask me out?". If you discover that you fall into this category, please do something about it! You must act quickly, but smoothly, so that you capitalize on your opportunity before you slide into the maybe or no groups. A man that does not act when a woman is expecting or wishing that he asks her out loses his attractiveness.

Maybe. Most male friends fall in this category. Basically all men have to start in this category, unless you believe in love at first sight. The questions are: (1) How much time will the man spend in this category? and (2) How can he move to the yes or no category? If he likes the girl, obviously the goal is to move to the yes category. I would suggest that if a man is a maybe, it is not that hard to move to the yes category if the two are compatible. One thing it will usually require is time spent together in shared, enjoyable activities. One of the best ways I know to do this is to ask a girl on a date. Being pursued in a non-aggressive, non-threatening way is attractive to women.

No. There are several subgroups within this category. The first is the "No because you repulse me" group. But then again, we've all heard the story about the couple who hated each other and because of some miraculous event ended up realizing their attraction and getting married. These are rare.

The second is the "No because we're not compatible" group. Men in this group have a chance, but it is going to be difficult. The first hurdle you have to jump is the issue of compatibility. If you're really not compatible that might be something to consider and you may want to look elsewhere. On the other hand, you may actually be compatible and the girl just might not see it. What you have to do in this case is (1) make sure you don't do anything drastic that would put you in the "No because you repulse me category and (2) show the girl that the two of you really are compatible.

The last is the "No because you're married group." The single men I talk to usually aren't concerned with this group.

So what is the moral of this story? There are several general principles that can be learned from this.

(1) It's not over until it's over. These groups are not static. There are things that you can do to move among the groups, though you as a man do not have complete control over where you fall.

(2) Related to the above point, you may want to complete a cost-benefit analysis to see if the effort required to move to the yes group is worth it.

(3) Compatibility is a major issue here. No matter how hard a man tries, if there are major differences that neither of the two are willing to compromise on, then no relationship will come of it.

I am not a Twilight fan, but I think that it provides a good example of this concept and allows me to put a picture on this post that makes it more likely to be read. Edward was clearly a Yes, but Jacob on the other hand moved through the ranks. It is hard to tell if he started as a No or a Maybe (I'm sure there are plenty of Twlight fans that can respond to this post with their opinions, but his beginning status is ancillary to the main point); however, somewhere along the way he became a Yes and then slid down through the ranks, proving my point that the categories are not static. Are you bothered that the No/Maybe/Yes (Jacob) got dumped for the Yes (Edward)? Please see Moral #2 above about doing a cost-benefit analysis.

The Waters in Which We Swim

My Dearest Brothers (and male friends),

Because I love you, I thought I would share with you examples of warning signs that you could be shallow:

"I don't know if I should date her... I only think she's pretty 80% of the time." (Referring to an absolutely beautiful woman).

"I saw a picture of your friend and I'm so busy I don't think I'll have any time for the rest of the semester to take her out." (Referring to another absolutely beautiful woman).

"I don't know what it is, but I only like really pretty girls. I mean really pretty. I just can't be attracted to anyone else."

I promise you that shallowness is not the way to happiness. Physical attraction is considered an essential element of romantic relationships for most people; however, a woman's initial physical appeal does not speak to her character or your compatibility. Remember: her stunning looks cannot last. If you see any of these warning signs in you, seek help immediately from a person who will tell you in a loving way that you are, in fact, being shallow.

Love,

Drea

Dating Styles of Prospective Sister Missionaries

Before I received my mission call I believed that the notion that dating patterns change for women after receiving a mission call was false. However, after I submitted my mission papers I started to be asked on dates more often. And I really couldn’t figure out why.

For one of my classes, we read an article on the dating patterns of Return Missionaries (RMs) at BYU. But I wonder what the dating patterns of women who are preparing to serve missions are. This has lead me to create my own list of possible pre-sister missionary dating styles that need to be qualitatively researched. They are:

· Fill the Canteen: Women in this category are looking to have non-committal fun before they serve. Their relationships might be characterized by more physical affection. These women probably also date often.

· Stay Away: These women avoid dating at all costs. They are preparing to serve a mission and do not want to have a relationship that might prevent them from serving or distract them from their preparation.

· Whatever: An outside observer might not know that women in this category are planning to serve a mission. This woman would not make any changes to her dating pattern, but continue with whatever style she was previously. She seems to be thinking that whatever happens, happens.

· Friendship: This woman continues to date, but instead of looking for romantic relationships, she focuses on developing friendships with men. She might be looking to improve her dating skills so that she can use them when she returns or she may be looking to create a base of friends that might be potential dating candidates when she returns.

· Desperate: This woman might have only submitted her mission papers because she wasn’t dating anyone. She is looking for any excuse to date and marry so she does not have to serve. She might also have felt pressured from her family to serve.

· New Woman: This is the woman who, upon submitting her mission papers, feels a new sense of freedom from fear of rejection. Rejection does not seem to affect her as much because she has an attractive alternative. When she sees a potential relationship beginning to form she may feel that it’s now or never.

· Love ‘em and Leave ‘em: This woman continues to seek and form committed relationships. She may do this because she wants someone to be there when she gets back or she might want someone to write her throughout her mission. In contrast to the Desperate dating style, she still plans to leave her partner to serve a mission.

What would be the characteristics of women in each category? Would one consist of women who are planning to serve and have not dated much and another consist of women who are serving despite the availability of many opportunities for marriage? Only quality qualitative research will tell.

Andrea's Dating Policy

I have a dating policy

It's called What you see is what you get

None of this fakey mumbo-jumbo

Harder in the short run

Better in the long run