Dating: Three Kinds of Men

For the past few years I have been asked a lot of questions about dating by men and women. I think it might have something to do with the fact that my major is Family Studies. Everyone assumes that I actually know something about these topics. I don't know if my advice is good, but it's advice and I give it. In fact, I've been asked about some topics so regularly that I've started to codify my responses.

The Three Kinds of Men

When it comes to single women's view of single men, I have observed three different categories.

Yes. This means that the jury is in: she's interested. How will you know? If you aren't picking up on the subtle cues that women are famous for dropping, you can talk to her female friends (or male friends, but this is tricky because they may be Maybes or Nos from below and may try to sabotage your efforts). Subtle cues may include but are not limited to: prolonged eye contact, touching your arm/elbow, doing nice things for you, baking something for you, laughing at all of your jokes, going out of her way to be where you are going to be, remembering things that you tell her, asking "So when are you going to ask me out?". If you discover that you fall into this category, please do something about it! You must act quickly, but smoothly, so that you capitalize on your opportunity before you slide into the maybe or no groups. A man that does not act when a woman is expecting or wishing that he asks her out loses his attractiveness.

Maybe. Most male friends fall in this category. Basically all men have to start in this category, unless you believe in love at first sight. The questions are: (1) How much time will the man spend in this category? and (2) How can he move to the yes or no category? If he likes the girl, obviously the goal is to move to the yes category. I would suggest that if a man is a maybe, it is not that hard to move to the yes category if the two are compatible. One thing it will usually require is time spent together in shared, enjoyable activities. One of the best ways I know to do this is to ask a girl on a date. Being pursued in a non-aggressive, non-threatening way is attractive to women.

No. There are several subgroups within this category. The first is the "No because you repulse me" group. But then again, we've all heard the story about the couple who hated each other and because of some miraculous event ended up realizing their attraction and getting married. These are rare.

The second is the "No because we're not compatible" group. Men in this group have a chance, but it is going to be difficult. The first hurdle you have to jump is the issue of compatibility. If you're really not compatible that might be something to consider and you may want to look elsewhere. On the other hand, you may actually be compatible and the girl just might not see it. What you have to do in this case is (1) make sure you don't do anything drastic that would put you in the "No because you repulse me category and (2) show the girl that the two of you really are compatible.

The last is the "No because you're married group." The single men I talk to usually aren't concerned with this group.

So what is the moral of this story? There are several general principles that can be learned from this.

(1) It's not over until it's over. These groups are not static. There are things that you can do to move among the groups, though you as a man do not have complete control over where you fall.

(2) Related to the above point, you may want to complete a cost-benefit analysis to see if the effort required to move to the yes group is worth it.

(3) Compatibility is a major issue here. No matter how hard a man tries, if there are major differences that neither of the two are willing to compromise on, then no relationship will come of it.

I am not a Twilight fan, but I think that it provides a good example of this concept and allows me to put a picture on this post that makes it more likely to be read. Edward was clearly a Yes, but Jacob on the other hand moved through the ranks. It is hard to tell if he started as a No or a Maybe (I'm sure there are plenty of Twlight fans that can respond to this post with their opinions, but his beginning status is ancillary to the main point); however, somewhere along the way he became a Yes and then slid down through the ranks, proving my point that the categories are not static. Are you bothered that the No/Maybe/Yes (Jacob) got dumped for the Yes (Edward)? Please see Moral #2 above about doing a cost-benefit analysis.