Dating: Three Kinds of Men

For the past few years I have been asked a lot of questions about dating by men and women. I think it might have something to do with the fact that my major is Family Studies. Everyone assumes that I actually know something about these topics. I don't know if my advice is good, but it's advice and I give it. In fact, I've been asked about some topics so regularly that I've started to codify my responses.

The Three Kinds of Men

When it comes to single women's view of single men, I have observed three different categories.

Yes. This means that the jury is in: she's interested. How will you know? If you aren't picking up on the subtle cues that women are famous for dropping, you can talk to her female friends (or male friends, but this is tricky because they may be Maybes or Nos from below and may try to sabotage your efforts). Subtle cues may include but are not limited to: prolonged eye contact, touching your arm/elbow, doing nice things for you, baking something for you, laughing at all of your jokes, going out of her way to be where you are going to be, remembering things that you tell her, asking "So when are you going to ask me out?". If you discover that you fall into this category, please do something about it! You must act quickly, but smoothly, so that you capitalize on your opportunity before you slide into the maybe or no groups. A man that does not act when a woman is expecting or wishing that he asks her out loses his attractiveness.

Maybe. Most male friends fall in this category. Basically all men have to start in this category, unless you believe in love at first sight. The questions are: (1) How much time will the man spend in this category? and (2) How can he move to the yes or no category? If he likes the girl, obviously the goal is to move to the yes category. I would suggest that if a man is a maybe, it is not that hard to move to the yes category if the two are compatible. One thing it will usually require is time spent together in shared, enjoyable activities. One of the best ways I know to do this is to ask a girl on a date. Being pursued in a non-aggressive, non-threatening way is attractive to women.

No. There are several subgroups within this category. The first is the "No because you repulse me" group. But then again, we've all heard the story about the couple who hated each other and because of some miraculous event ended up realizing their attraction and getting married. These are rare.

The second is the "No because we're not compatible" group. Men in this group have a chance, but it is going to be difficult. The first hurdle you have to jump is the issue of compatibility. If you're really not compatible that might be something to consider and you may want to look elsewhere. On the other hand, you may actually be compatible and the girl just might not see it. What you have to do in this case is (1) make sure you don't do anything drastic that would put you in the "No because you repulse me category and (2) show the girl that the two of you really are compatible.

The last is the "No because you're married group." The single men I talk to usually aren't concerned with this group.

So what is the moral of this story? There are several general principles that can be learned from this.

(1) It's not over until it's over. These groups are not static. There are things that you can do to move among the groups, though you as a man do not have complete control over where you fall.

(2) Related to the above point, you may want to complete a cost-benefit analysis to see if the effort required to move to the yes group is worth it.

(3) Compatibility is a major issue here. No matter how hard a man tries, if there are major differences that neither of the two are willing to compromise on, then no relationship will come of it.

I am not a Twilight fan, but I think that it provides a good example of this concept and allows me to put a picture on this post that makes it more likely to be read. Edward was clearly a Yes, but Jacob on the other hand moved through the ranks. It is hard to tell if he started as a No or a Maybe (I'm sure there are plenty of Twlight fans that can respond to this post with their opinions, but his beginning status is ancillary to the main point); however, somewhere along the way he became a Yes and then slid down through the ranks, proving my point that the categories are not static. Are you bothered that the No/Maybe/Yes (Jacob) got dumped for the Yes (Edward)? Please see Moral #2 above about doing a cost-benefit analysis.

Carried by the Covenant

Have you ever been deeply spiritually moved by a piece of artwork? It's happened to me only a few times. Shown below is a painting that was exhibited in the Museum of Church History and Art a few years ago.

The light seems to be of divine origin. The way that it falls on the mother's back shows impelling power of the light of the covenant.

The simple background does not distract from the central subject matter.

The look of determination of determination in the mother's eyes is piercing.

The mother and child have red and blue scarves, symbolic of their divine heritage and their royal potential if they are true to their covenants.

Joseph F. Brickey, Carried by the Covenant. Prints can be purchased here.

Yesterday I read a General Conference talk by Elder Bednar, "Honorably Hold a Name and Standing."

"What was it that gave those early Saints such strength? It was the fire of the temple covenant that burned in their hearts. It was their commitment to worship and honorably hold a name and standing in the house of the Lord

"We do now and will yet face great challenges to the work of the Lord. But like the pioneers who found the place which God for them prepared, so we will fresh courage take, knowing our God will never us forsake (see "Come, Come, Ye Saints," Hymns, no. 30)."

That is why this painting is powerful.

Response to "Mormon voters wary of showing too much love for Romney"

I'm making a comeback on my blog. This is a shout out to all of my friends, LDS or not, who have their own political leanings, influenced by their surroundings and life experiences of course, but that are uniquely theirs. Here is my response to a Washington Post article I read this morning: Mormon voters wary of showing too much love for Romney 

I was surprised by the statement: "Mormons, one of Romney’s most loyal voting blocs, are often quiet about their support. That might be because the church discourages political involvement."

While the LDS Church as a whole does not endorse any particular political party, it reserves its right to become involved in specific political issues -- hence its involvement in Proposition 8 in California. But it is not as commonly known that the church also supported Utah HB 116 a not-so-conservative guest-worker program for illegal immigrants.

The church actively encourages its members to be politically involved but does not prescribe with what political party members must be involved. In fact, Utah was predominately Democratic from the 1880s to 1970s when disagreement over the Equal Rights Amendment weakened party alliances. This decrease in the Democratic Party in Utah specifically, which occurred concurrently with a decrease in the Mormon proportion of the Utah population, and among Mormons generally continued through the 1980s and 1990s until today when Democrats make up a small minority of voters in Utah. Although it is important to point out that there are still several Mormon politicians who have maintained their alliance with the Democratic Party including Representative Jim Matheson and his father, former Utah governor Scott Matheson.

While there may be more Republican Mormon voters than Democratic Mormon voters, it cannot be ignored that Harry Reid, one of the most powerful Democratic political leaders in our country, is Mormon. And he is not the only Mormon Democrat. Brigham Young University (BYU), the university owned the LDS Church, has had several political speakers at campus-wide events and graduation ceremonies including Condoleezza Rice and Dick Cheney, but also Harry Reid and Joseph Lieberman.

It appears that some want to paint the LDS Church in an extreme light but the issue of political involvement and political parties among Mormons, as with most political issues, is more complicated.

10 Dimensions of a Healthy Marriage

This summer I interned at Child Trends in Washington, DC. One of the projects I spent some time working on involved testing Child Trends' previously conceptualized definition for a healthy marriage. These are the ten dimensions they identified:

1. Commitment

2. Satisfaction

3. Communication

4. Effective Conflict Resolution

5. Lack of Violence and Abuse

6. Fidelity or Faithfulness

7. Intimacy and Emotional Support

8. Friendship and Spending Time Together

9. Commitment to Children

10. Duration and Legal Status

What do you think?

Commuting Adventures

Commuting to and from working can get to be downright boring if you don’t do it correctly. How does one commute “correctly,” you might ask. Let me show you.

Before I arrived in DC, I starting memorizing a map of the city and all of the possible walking/bus/Metro combinations I could take to work. When I arrived in the city, this meant that I was daily presented with an almost limitless number of commuting options. So about a month into my internship I started a little game to try to find the fastest and most efficient route to work. I am such a capitalist. 

Every day the light would change at a different moment  or I would be behind people walking various speeds down the sidewalk. This forced me to make split second decisions: “Should I cross now or keep walking and make the next light?” Or, “based on the traffic this morning, should I continue on this street or take a left?”

The people I walked past probably wondered why I was smiling. Little did they know it was because I was cheering that yet again I was approaching an intersection right as the light was changing. Boo-ya!

The same thing worked in the Metro. Every day I made it a little game to guess where along the platform the train would stop and what door I would need to sit near to exit the train at the base of the elevator at my stop.

Commuting has so much potential to be boring—walking the same route every day, seeing the same people, passing the same stores—but  I experienced a small amount of pleasure (and dare I admit it, challenge) in daily changing up my routine. There are so many patterns to be enjoyed in life all around us, if only we will make the effort to keep them fresh.

Film Review: Water

Water tells the story of a group of widows living in an ashram (compound) in 1930s India. The movie starts with Chuyia, a seven-year-old girl who is widowed, although she doesn't even remember getting married. In a heart-wrenching scene her parents leave her with a group of elderly, mean widows where she will inevitably lead a life of poverty and self-denial.

At first she fights her confinement in the ashram and speaks daily of her return home. She meets Kalyani, a beautiful young adult widow who has been at the ashram since she was nine. Kalyani, not like the other widows, befriends Chuyia and even shares her contraband pet dog. While Kalyani and Chuyia are bathing the dog in the Ganges, they meet Narayan, a follower of Gandhi and recent law school graduate who falls in love with Kalyani, considered a grave sin. At the same time, the ashram's leader, Didi Madhumati, pimps out Kalyani to the local gentry (artistocracy) to fund all of the widows.

Eventually Chuyia realizes she will never return home, Kalyani and Narayan's relationship comes to a head, and Shakuntala makes a momentous decision. Water is about a culture in transition, and the casualties and beneficiaries stemming from societal upheaval.

Favorite Parts:

• Scenes that show the development of Kalyani and Chuyia's relationship
  
• When Didi Shakuntala takes Chuyia to see Gandhi 
• Kalyani's goodness and devoutness
  
• Didi Shakuntala's inner struggle between her faith and her conscience
  
• I'm a sucker for love: Kalyani and Narayan's relationship
• Didi Madhumati's character. She is crude and cruel. She seems to have no virtues and yet still manages to be a multi-faceted character.
  
• The loss of womanhood or nurturance that the widows experience after being shut off from the rest of the world for decades
• How it's a window into 1930s Indian culture and the Hindu religion
  
• The cinematography
  
• Indian music

Who this film is for: This movie is for anyone who is looking to feel grateful. I learned about the pain of dissapointment, Indian culture, the beauty of resilience, the struggle to maintain faith, and the importance of equality. If you're looking for two hours of laughs, choose another movie. Although the film ends with hope, it has a generally sober tone. The movie is in Hindi and has subtitiles, but I don't think they detract from the film. Those who are interested in women's issues will particularly like this movie.

Rating: PG-13 for thematic material involving sexual situations and brief drug usage (it looked like a cigar to me). I never felt uncomfortable in the film. There was no swearing and no sexual scenes were shown.

Excerpts:

Bhagavati: "To talk about the truth is easy but to live by it is not."

Narayana: "All the old traditions are dying out."
Kalyani: "But what is good should not die out."
Narayana: "And who will decide what is good and what is not?"

Trailer:

Wedding Bells

LoriAnn's wedding was last Saturday. The crew and I worked hard to pull it off. This is me at Applebee's enjoying a nice cold glass of water after a long day of reception craziness.

For a photo documentary of the preparations and the finished product, see Amy's blog.